Well, after two panic attacks, yelling to myself in the mirror how much I hated myself and after hurting my arms with my nails; I think I can say I'm fine. Or probably not. I'm using my anti-anxiety drugs to get to sleep today.
Today, officially (and probably definitely) my relationship is over (we broke up in the last days of November but got back together in January). And I feel terribly bad because I ended it and probably not in a good way. Sadly for me I don't feel the same way I used to feel when it all started and actually I started drifting away a long time ago, I just didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to get out of my comfort zone even though I was hurting someone, and (even more sadly for me) I didn't want to let people down. But you just can't live your life to make people feel good. That's what I try to remember myself all the time. That's what having a panic attack for my Thanatophobia reminds me of. I have to be ok with this. He would be fine. I hope he would be.
After writing this, I feel a little better, at least I'm not thinking about suicide that much anymore.
