Even when I see life I see death. I passed through a existencial crisis last year, and believe me it still takes some sleep away from me at night, or hit me in the middle of the mass at church (that's a really terrible moment, believe me), or... you get the idea. So, this is the story (not exactly about my existencial crisis, I try not to think about it too much): This last christmas sucked, like seriously was the WORST. And the terribly sad reality is that I think this was maybe the last year we could have like a "family" (because we're not. That's my reality). The person I love the most is my grandpa, he is 80-something (and I said it like that not because I don't know his age, it's because he always lies to me about it. That old man, always joking with my curiosity). So, well, last year he got sick and (he's pretty sure, he told me once) he was at the doors of death. *sigh* He's better now, but (I don't know if everyone can do this), I can see the truth in his eyes, he knows he doesn't have much time. So that really brings me down, because it reminds me to my existencial crisis, and well, got me crazy. And my grandma it's not exactly dying but she looks tired too. Tired of life. And now another memory: I had a dog, she was a Yorkie, her name was Shakira (*hides behind a wall*, I know what kind of name is that? But, in my defend, I was really young), you can see I wrote a note for her here in my blog. Well, the story, when I was younger I was always afraid of Shakira's death. Why? Well, because I loved her so much, and I had already had lost and uncle and a grandma, and death really really freaked me out (but no more than now) because I was figuring out, they were never going to be with me again. They were dead and they were going to stay dead. So, I was terrify. But when the time passed and Shakira grew old and died (I of course felt sad and cried, you can read my note) I felt that that was ok, I got the death. And in that moment started for me that period of "feeling nothing" I called. So, that period with the pass of the years grew up and got into my graduate feelings, my relationships feelings and my familiar feelings. It's kind of: I'm dead. I don't know if this is what people call: grow up and get mature, I just know it's kind of creepy and make me feel bad. So, at this point I completely forgot of what this note was about. So, ahm, this are my feelings, so feelings, huh? Maybe I'm not dead.
And (again) I'm sorry if I have some grammar mistakes. And if I just created any new word (or misspelled it), sorry dude but I wasn't in the mood of take the diccionary and check (or go to google translate).
