16/12

Dear Blogger, I'm back.
I came back not because I needed it, but because I wanted to record another book to my list. It's been a while, and I'm happy to say I don't find myself needing you right now. Today's one of those happy days. I have a date tomorrow, so today's a great day.
I used to come here and somehow complain about my love life and my let downs. Now I use Twitter more than before, and I think I found some kind of peace in my life. Just some kind. I came back and read my last 6 post and somehow felt I owe you some stories. Because after all I'll come back here to remember. This stopped being a place to complain to become a place to remember, to remember all the stuff and feelings I forgot. Maybe there's going to be a lesson to learn someday.
I went to the psychologist this year. Past April I had my first, real and worrying, panic attack. I have had others before, but never as this one. I didn't know it back then. Now I know. I've been up to a lot of breakdowns this year and I'm not getting better. I'm running away of my fears. But I'll be ok. Today's a good day and I can say it now, maybe on bad days I won't be so opmistic. Now I kinda am aware of what troubles me at least.
I fell in love this year. Twice. Well maybe not twice. I found myself interested in two guys. None of them turn out positively. One was my friend, the one I was making post about. But he turned out to be a let down as a person. All his greatness went away with some decisions he took. Now I don't speak to him, nor the girl he's dating. And I don't want to think about him anymore. It's kinda depressing though, he was my favourite person at the beginning of this year, and now at the end I don't want to cross my path with him anymore. I didn't tell him about my feelings anyway, I didn't stay close enough to find it out myself.
The other guy was kinda more magical. But not so, after all I'm still single and he has a girlfriend. Haha. The circles of life. He's a friend of my now, I give him the ride every once in a while. When this year started I had no idea of where he came of. He got me really excited, he studies with me and damn, he's cute, I thought all my companions were bags of trash. He got my mind spinning for a while, what a feeling! I was struck between him and finding out my feelings for my friend. I used them both to help me forget the other and at the end I stood with none. My new friend won after all, he help me get over my thoughts about my friend. And got me in a rollercoaster of feelings. That wasn't cool, but I guess I was alive. I'll remember him and my days after him with love, he's really remarkable. And I even gave him a song: Stay beautiful by Taylor Swift. And, I guess it's because today's a good day, but I feel ok when I think about him. God, he's hot, haha, and funny and smart and freaky, and his laugh is magical, haha, I always fell for the same kind of boys. He has a girlfriend, I must repeat, and damn I envy her. Truth be said. It got me really sad and mad, why couldn't I got him first? That didn't help my anxiety.
Well, I said before, I have a date tomorrow. Actually I don't know if it is exactly a date. I met this guy by Twitter and when I actually found out (like 100% sure) that my last crush had a girlfriend, I was talking to him. I never told him what I was finding out, but he made me laugh and gave me some kind of familiar feeling, so in that way I could take the hit more slowly. We became friends and now we talk once in a while and tomorrow I'm finally going to meet him.
I gotta leave you, Blogger. I have to help mamma with something.
Love, Azu.

Sorry for my grammar. And my strong ideas of not going anywhere

My heart is with every kind of people that shouldn't been suffering. I live in Venezuela. And I live in war everyday. It is indeed a different kind of war that for example the people in Syria lives, but it is still a war, our war. We live with fear. But we live. Kind of. Some of us. The ones that can actually survive insecurity or hunger, or the insufficient of health care. I have been conscious of life since I was finishing high school, I have had a few panic attacks and I live with some kind of anxiety that may be normal but that doesn't feel right.
I have experienced the love of God through nature. And I have developed a big and strong love for every living thing. Even with insects (that I hate/fear them). And for my Earth. And life. And I sometimes can't understand how people can't appreciate the importance of it. I don't want to keep talking about life because I'm afraid I might have another panic attack. But I feel sad and mad about people killing each other, killing the planet, and not giving a shit about anything. Humanity is wrapping a robe around their neck and it's strangulating itself. And even when I'm a human, I lose my hope in us very frequently that I prefer us to be extinct.
Tonight I write this because I'm sad of all the sad things happening in the world. Here in Venezuela (that only fulfills me of anger 'cause we ain't capable of fighting for us) and for all the bad things happening in the world. I am tired of seen people (or just humanity) not giving a shit about Syrian war, climate change, sex equality fights, extinct animals fights, etc. I want us to open our eyes. Why do we care more about clothes, about funny internet videos, for little stupidity catastrophes? Where is our humanity? I am a Catholic. But religion was never here to divide us. I don't care about all the bad things my church did through the ages. I am living now to change all the mistakes those people made. Religion was supposed to be here to makes us better, for us to try to improve ourselves. I believe in one God. The God that gave us a world, that gave us our life, that want us to be happy. Religion shouldn't been a obstacle. It should unify us. I want to believe humans can be good. But if we're not, then the virus we're should be erased of Earth.

Mis días

Mis días últimamente se resumen en días felices en los que me siento capaz de alcanzar y tocar el cielo; y en días en los que las nubes negras no solo se cierran sobre mi cabeza sino que me envuelven y arrastran hasta hacerme un ovillo de lágrimas en el suelo. No hay balance.

Why am I back?

Hello, blogger. It's been a while. I'm sorry. I guess I've been busy living to care about breaking my promises. It's been a while since my last post. That never happened before. And why am I back? I guess I'm way too broken to handle up myself. I guess I wanted to come back. I guess I wanted to vomit my feelings with someone. I guess I missed you...
I've been busy lying to myself. Trying to make myself live. I'm back because today I want to complain about how my expectations (just like Tom's) hurt me . I've been trying to make myself feel again. It's not working. I just want to laugh in a bitter way. I feel hurt. But not really. I just pull myself back before getting hurt. It results funny to me I've been begging to feel something even pain, but that I can't actually. I can't. I have such a powerful self-protection. I don't let anyone get as close to do it. Just look at now, I just pulled back. I am sad. Damn, I am. And angry. I am meaning less angry. So angry. I guess that's why I'm here.