20/9

 Fast love. Just like fast fashion.

In the beginning of summer i declared i was ready for a summer love. Then i met someone. Fell head to toes. And then it was over. Just like summer. I felt hurt and declared perhaps i was wrong for assuming i was ready for a summer love. But now that i can look in retrospective, i think i did the homework very well. 

This is the story of Caesar. I thought long about putting his name here, but after all he's just another name in the long list of names i know. Does that makes any sense? 

After the late-2019 and 2020 depression episodes, my breakup, my mourning; on May 2021 i was myself again. I made peace with my past and was ready to move on. But what exactly is move on? I felt lonely, bored and in need of a distraction. That was moving on. No serious commitments that freak me out so much, no relationships since I'm leaving in the foreseeable future, so just company since I'm currently a slave of my job. So i met this guy online. One exception i made, because i didn't want to chat with any local boys. Just this exception that happened to be everything i wanted. First mistake. We wanted the same, plus sex (thing that couldn't happen since we were hundreds of miles away) so we settle for the company. It was just flirting, but it got out of my hands. I can't happen to meet someone so alike to me and hot without developing emotional attachment. Which i did. While i insisted on telling my best friend, i wasn't too much into him, that i was aware of everything, that this was a game, but, oh boy, i love the game and the players. So i was already picturing our dates abroad. What a fool. But that's who i am, i discovered that. These were the happiest weeks of my summer just to follow a disappointing ghosting at the end. But i learnt. I may think I'm ready to hook ups, but that's not who i am. I am a settle down person, even when i don't want to be it.

I just realized i didn't talk about him a lot or at all. I guess that's normal after i expended weeks overthinking every step i did and obsessing over the things i said or did. I also learned is better for me to be confrontational, why you left me? Why you no love me? (Total pun to John Mayer's sob rock, the album to which i mourned) than to stay clueless and obsessing on why. 

He was so much fun. I was sad it ended

10/8

 I was ready to be true... with the wrong one. 

Again. 

Now I'm sad. And heartbroken.

Again.

30/5

 I do wish i could stay still. I'm alive, blogger. I just read my last entry and realized i haven't been around for a while to give certainty that i'm alive. I wish i had come on an earlier state than the one i'm in right now, because i was goooood. And now once again i'm not. Against my own desires of not having to take on responsabilities, i did. I've been working as a doctor for almost four months. And there's was a time i was happy. I was full of energy. I was too tired, too full of motivation and work to be depressed. Now i'm just too tired of work i can't help but to get depressed, because my brain just can't handle it. I'm so mentally exhausted that reality feels distorted. I keep thinking about death. But i found a friend that looks so much like me, it's a book character but who knows perhaps he, by facing his own very-alike-to-mine demons, may help me find a way to fight mine. But in the meantime i'm seriously considering quiting my job. But then more questions come in hand. And its January again and i still have no clue of what i want. All i know it's i'm tired and that i don't feel mentally strong to face this job. 

9/1

 I guess I'm depressed again. 

I feel like I can't do it. I'm tired. I don't want the responsibility of making any choices. I'm not sure that I want what I chose. I don't know what to do from now on. The future. I'm unhappy. I want to stay still.