I just feel so terribly sad. But i'm tired of whinnying on Twitter. I'm tired of letting people know how bad i feel and how unstable i feel. I went back to my original and main place of complaints. I love you, Blogger, i really do, after all, I've been here for over ten years.
D left today, and it's been four days since the last time i saw him. I feel so upset. I told you, i can't be with someone without developing emotional attachment. I just simply fail to comprehend that, apparently. It's August and September all over again. All i do is overthink and overthink. I already had a panic attack, because i couldn't find the vinegar. Thanks to the instability i crumbled to my not-so-serious OCD. So i couldn't find the vinegar and i lost it. It should be a metaphor, there's must be a metaphor somewhere in it. I'm trying to focus on work, i'm on call right now. But i feel so terribly sad. I feel like i could break into crying any time now. And i always hated crying over a man. Now, i think is fine crying over feelings that overwhelmed you. I feel so sad i want to re-watch One Day as if to break once and for all. Even though, that's Jm and i's story, not D's.
Do i love him? I don't know, i wouldn't like that. I wanted to find love that made me doubt my plans, I'm doubting now. And while i'm amazed by it, i hate it. I just realized i don't want to be confused. And the thing is, if both of my male besties didn't happen to just tell me (without each other knowledge) they don't trust him, things would be so easy. If they would have told me they like him and see nothing shady in him, i think i would totally change my ticket, without a doubt. What a dumbass. Quiting her dreams for a man, or as my bestie refers to him: for a dick. A dickhead.
Processing all of this is hard, but i think is gonna be harder for my mid-year self to re-read this. I'm curious about my future self and her problems. I hope is not mental problems. Not more please.
Should i write down everything i remember of the night of January 2nd here? So for when my memory erase it i can read this and cringe? Because right now i feel like that Taylor Swift song: The Very First Night. My friends weren't there.. So they cannot know.
Ok, here i go.
I got drunk (on something stronger than the drinks in the bar, ha, Taylor Swift again). The night started quite normal. As to the eyes of anybody, what a friend reunion to hang out should go like. Except because he payed for me. I wish i... Ok, i won't get into it. We talked about friends away, about nonsense, about likes and dislikes, catched up with each other, but now that i think back at it, there were many other things i could have said. I lied my hand on the table, expecting. He lied his. We were so close, yet never touch. So i thought: i'm reading too much into this. Those eyes he gave me on his birthday were all in my head. So we ended the night joking. Except for those little moments when we would slip a "change your ticket to -cursed country-", "you would do really good there with your career", "I'm doing great economically". And when i asked him to convince me otherwise about New Zealand and my desire of moving there. And then we talked about moving to Europe. And that gave me hope. Even though he never touch my hand and never made a move.
The place was closing, so these friends left. I thought the night was over. I had work the next day, but he said: let's go somewhere else. And i let myself be dragged by it. Here's when things got intense. We asked for drinks, he said he was going to drink with me, so no beers for him, just cocktails. The one we ordered had a strawberry aaaand i may have or may have not eaten it provocatively. I was drunk. We kept talking shit i can't even remember. He asked for tequilas. Let's make a stop, this is when you start thinking: this is when everything went to shit. Well yes. I feel like i'm writing a novel, it's exciting. He handed me my tequila and grabbed my lemon and put it on his lips. "Take your drink". I laughed uncontrollably, nervously, almost panicking because this was the moment. It was in my hands, if i did that, the night would give the turn i was, well i admit it, my true intentions of the night, the turn i was expecting. So i did it. And i don't regret it. How cheesy and fuckboy thing this was. I don't regret putting my lips up to his, what i regretted immediately was the taste of salt. That's why I don't do tequila the regular way. Ugh.
We were closer this time, in this place, in this table. Not across each other, but next to each other. So my hand would be like very very close. Perhaps i blanked out a couple of times because i was staring at him, always wondering: is him who i want? Examining his factions: were they what i like? He grabbed my hand in the middle of a story "to create tension" and removed it, i didn't resist the touch. So after a couple of minutes after the end of the story he took my hand properly. I couldn't believe i had gotten this far. We joke about the names of the drinks, and as i told you i was drunk, i don't remember what were we talking about. All i remember is he dropped my hand, just to intertwined our hands and fingers under the table. I felt so alive. I regret being drunk. 'Cause i don't know if all that magic i felt was due to it or because i was horny or because it was real. Perhaps that's what annoys me the most about this, that i couldn't spend more time with him to figure it out. He asked for a beer, i insisted i don't like the taste. So he offered me to taste it... from his lips. You see? We were like two horny teenagers. We must have been so embarrassing for everyone around us to see, but honestly? I was having a blast, i was having the time of my life!
I don't even remember what time it was. But he said we should get going. I didn't want the night to end. He didn't want to either. "I have a bottle of sangria at my place". I knew what direction we were headed. I was drunk in alcohol and drunk in love. All i could say was: Anything you want. And with that premise we turned this PG-13 movie into a R-rated movie. What do i regret? I let him put LAGOS as a soundtrack, how am i supposed to listen to them without thinking of sex now? I let him see a phase of myself i have never left anybody else see. Not even my last boyfriend, who i always felt he thought he was going to break me. Though i got to admit i broke a couple of times mentally with that ex, he never understood that, but i'm not the same physically. I shouldn't be writing this on the internet.
We lied there for hours. I didn't want the night to end. I wanted to stay there and sleep with him. I kissed him. He kissed me. We were intertwined, just like that Dodie's song says. But i had to get back home, i had stupid work in the morning in this fucking town 40 minutes away from him. He took me home, put his hand in my leg, i grabbed his hand with mine and let my head rest on his arm. It feels like a movie now. Driving home at 5am. We kissed goodbye. Not long enough for the imminent feeling of departure. I got off the car and he said looking at me through the window: I don't want to leave the country. And i wanted to say it, but it didn't feel fair, 'cause i'm also leaving in two months. But i wanted to yell: don't go. Stay. As Taylor Swift said: Stay Stay Stay.
He left the country today.
I lived my cheesy fairytale. Now i have to move on. It's the only thing left to do.
I've been thinking for a while since i wrote this down, but... I cried for Caesar, ok? Who i met for like a couple of weeks tops, i know D since i was fourteen. Fourteen!! Fucking FOURTEEN! I think i'm allowed to mourn these very old feelings, right?
Also, the thing is, I've been thinking about D for this past year. Like a lot. Wondering. Wondering. Wondering. Before he came back to my life i was wondering what i would do, what would happen if he would. How my relationship with him was so doomed when we were teenagers but that if i'd have the chance to have it now, to have that relationship now, it would mean everything to me, things could've actually worked out. Because he used to be everything i ever wanted. He would have suited me so good. Man, i even considered marrying him. I was wondering about the turns of life. And perhaps it's because of that previous overthinking that everything that happened in reality fucked my mind so bad. That's why there's so much noise in my head. Stupid anxiety.
