28/12

Sadly for me I've become the drunk aunt. I regret entirely never showing up my feelings. Now I can only be myself when I'm drunk. I can only allow myself to be whoever she wishes and to want and desire whoever she's wants only when she's drunk. I want you. I always have. I just wasn't brave enough. Strong enough.
Perhaps it's just some simply desire, but whatever it is it has taken enough of my life already. Enough of my mental health. I desire you. That's the end.

24/4

It just occurred to me that maybe someday I would like to remember some stuff, because even though I don't think I can forget, we never know how everything is going to turn out.
I still remember when we first met, it's silly and maybe surprising how I remember that particularly. First time I interacted with him it was in the surgery clinic (because during that period we met), we were waiting for the class and I remember he was talking with somebody and I thought "this dude is in the same group one of my besties, he has something (a yenesecuá), I must adress him since he's going to soens so much time with her and probably become friends" and that's it.
The next shocking memory I hold was a random thing that happened several months later. I was rotating in the emergency service and he came close to handle me the robe of my bestie so I could return it to her. But I still remember he addressed me as "Azu" as he asked me for the favor, I was so shocked I almost didn't hear what was the favor. I am very delicate with my name, we hadn't interacted that much so he could be allowed to call me that. I talked to my friend and discovered he had a problem listening to the fact that I was picky with my name so I let it passed because I thought he was nice and didn't want to move backwards into a friendship. I'm still shook.
Our first kiss has come to my mind several times lately, while we're kissing and while we're not. First kisses tend to be awkward, this one was awkward too but not embarrassing. I had been doubting if we were dating or what the fuck had we been doing, this was our "third date" speaking and I was in his bedroom watching an old episode of Game of Thrones. Yeah, probably it was pretty obvious we were dating, sitting in the same bed, at night, alone. But I'M NEVER SURE OF THINGS. And I was going mad in my head trying to figure it out, when he put his arm around me (I didn't remember this I'm guessing he did since...), and put his hand so close to mine so they would touch. I put my hand into his. Then he gave me a kiss in my forehead and I (finally) understood he was asking for permission. So I got all my shit together and looked at him and kissed his cheek. And that was it. Then he kiss me. I hadn't been kissed for about 6 years, SIX FUCKING YEARS!! And for the first time (EVERRR) I didn't feel disgusted, I felt excited. A meteorite fell from the sky that day. Talk to me about fate stuff.

19/4

I am in love. Yes, what a depressing statement to make considering how hard and faster, than you can say his name, I fell for him. I am living that glorious time known as: the honey moon phase. What indeed a glorious time. I could consider him my first boyfriend considering I have basically just had all of my first times with him (well, almost all). I'm surprised of myself of all the things we have done. Sometimes I'm scared is just because I was wanting someone but I have felt so much warmest in my body when I get to hold him tight against me. I never thought of myself as a person capable of saying the creepy Spanish two-words known as love in English. But here I am thinking about them when I'm with him. Feeling hopelessly complete next to him. And enjoying the heck out of myself when he touches me. I just didn't know I could feel that much and I'm terrified. Holy freaking shit. Super terrified. I'm in love, Blogger, what an idiot I am.

22/02

Hello, Blogger. It's kind of sad I got you only to do updates, but well, it is what it is. I'm dating someone. Finally. I finally liked someone that likes me back. It's weird, isn't it? But right now I'm sad. I'm surprised how much these things can get you up and down. I was incredibly happy the first week (and I still am if I can be honest), this guy gets me so high it feels wrong. Sometimes it feels like cheating how easy things are with him. How free and crystal clear I've gotten to feel. It's like therapeutic. Being with him is therapeutic. Kissing him is discovering things about me I didn't know. I don't feel disgusted anymore. I'm drunk in love. And it feels wrong. I have gotten in so many arguments with myself. I've been trying to bring myself down. I like loneliness maybe way too much? Now the sad part is that I apparently have been neglecting my friends and I'm just frustrated I don't seem to know how to manage boty things, and I'm upset. Pretty upset. I may say things I don't mean. I'm too visceral right now. And this post just suddenly became a mess.