16/4

Would I be capable of killing myself?, es una pregunta que me hice a mí misma hace unos segundos en el carro.
Pero antes de empezar a hablar de eso, te debo algunas historias, blogger. Vamos a ver cómo acomodo.
Empecemos por lo de siempre: mi deprimente vida amorosa.
1) Creo haberte dejado en un punto de la historia cuando empezaba a salir con alguien. Bueno, ya no estoy saliendo con nadie. Dejame iluminarte: Back them in the time I was truly excited about my (basically) first (properly said) date. And, man I guess I'd have to record the entire story, right? Someday I'm going to forget it and it'll be here to haunt me, I mean, remind me.
It all started with a date, the most amazing date of all, I gotta give you that. I hope I'll get to have more, because for the first time in my life I felt I was living what I was expected to live. The thing is: I didn't feel attracted to him immediately. I enjoyed talking to him and he was so nice to be. As I told you before he was there for me (without knowing) when all the crush-with-girlfriend shit. So that's why I gave it a chance. I wanted to try so hard. So we went on several dates, good dates. He was always very (I don't know this word) "atento". But I guess I felt something like Taylor Swift's The Way I Loved You song. Anyway he never took my hand, even when I tried to reach for it. For times I felt like he was afraid of me, but maybe he was afraid for me, maybe he didn't want me to get scared. I never got to kiss him, that was something that struggle in my mind for a while, he deserved at least a kiss from me for the way he treated me, I mean people that have done less have received kisses from me, that wasn't fair. But I certainly have an aversion for kisses, so probably never having one was for the best. How (and why) did it (I put an) end? Sadly not everything could be perfect. He reminded me a friend of mine that liked me for a while. And I hated all those aptitudes. And I felt like I was dating this friend of mine, and I felt bad about it. Also, I felt like he was running towards feelings I didn't even had the time to think about. Conclusion: He was falling for me and I wasn't. Also my crush-with-girlfriend-that-no-longer-have-a-girlfriend may have had a part to do too. Truth is I still had feelings for my crush. And I felt guilty going out with him when I didn't feel about him remotely in the way I felt with my crush. So I ended it. And probably not in the best way. I broke his heart and I still feel guilty, even though he asked me not to.
If you ever read this, I missed and miss you. You were an amazing person with me, and even though we met each other for a short time you really got yourself deep in me. I'm sorry, I know that you hate I am, but I am. I've been depressed about you. About my decision. But deep inside us we know it was the right call to make.
2) Back to my crush-with-girlfriend-that-no-longer-have-a-girlfriend. Back the time I broke up with the guy I was dating I didn't knew my crush didn't have a girlfriend anymore. When I started dating this guy I stop trying to "flirt" with my crush (todo en comillas porque saben que no sé coquetear) and started to act more as a friend. And for a moment I felt more like my friendly behavior was better than my flirting one. I thought we became very good friends. Then, something happened in a meeting (party) we had at my place. That event fulfilled me with endorfines and hopes. I never change my point, that night he loved me. "Drunk" him loves me. I could see it in his eyes. But I guess sober him doesn't love me. He's dating one of my friends (not so close) now. And I won't lie, it depressed the shit out of me. I really thought I was getting somewhere. I guess once again I was wrong.
You pay what you do I guess. If you break a heart get ready to get yours broken as well.
3) I tried again and failed. I don't know if I ever talk you about a kid 3 years younger than me that I had a crush on. It was like 2 years ago. I was going to ask him out and found out that he had just got a girlfriend. Well, him. He broke up with his witchy girlfriend (she cheated on him twice!). And ask me out to watch a movie. What exciting, I got anxiety just thinking about it. It never happened. There was always something that stop us. So I guess it is not meant to be. Plus he's still in love with his ex. What a sad individual.

So, yes, that's my tragic love story.
Next topic: As I said before: I've been depressed. My date and my crush thing together got me with my chin on the floor. Or at least I guess it was it. It's been already a month since my date guy. Though I'm still living my crush thing and all the sadness it brings. But I don't know anymore if this sadness it's about them.
Yesterday was my birthday, I'm 22. And yes, I'm happy (?), free (?), confused and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and (I don't know it's) magical.
Today's the anniversary of my first anxiety/depression attack.
I started having anxiety attacks more frequently. And: I've started to go to the psychiatrist. Surprise! I've diagnosed with anxiety. And I think I'm going to regret my choice of not having meds on the next consult. I want to start on meds. I've been... Crap. I don't think I can talk about this.
Yesterday for the first time in my life I felt totally capable of killing myself. Even though I have Thanatophobia. I was driving. And I felt it. I felt a rush. I wanted to gain speed. I wanted to crash. I
I'm wondering now.